I hate your boyfriend
by Olive nerd
Summary: Based on the song "I hate your boyfriend" by Lou Bega, Frieda/Mombo, Slight Mombo/Munk Alternates scene of Dreamwork's "Happily Never After", the Frieda vs. Munk and Mombo scene and the movie climax


**I hate your boyfriend- Happily Never After style**

**Call me a geek, but I loved this movie so much as a kid, I'm putting up a fanfic tribute. This includes one of my favorite songs: "I hate your boyfriend" by Lou Bega. I own nothing mentioned here nor any other movie, song, etc.**

She got Ella, the wee little mouse wheezing through Fairytale Land, the eyelash in her foiling her sight to redemption; in short, Ella stood before the Empress of Evil.

Then, before Princess Obnoxious Optimist could succumb to the truth of the matter, (the matter that she easily stole Fairytale Land's staff from mustard pork chop and violet feline), her knight in shining rags came to her rescue.

Soon, Frieda would reach her breaking point with these wastes of life.

"Don't hurt him," Ella cried, tumbling with her rescuer, Rick, in a sloppy attempt to protect him from Frieda's aim.

Frieda stood up with an amused expression. "Don't hurt him..." It was all fun and games for her, especially since she knew their end would mean her stable era of power. "Aww... Ella likes the dishwasher!"

CRINK!

Frieda found the bright orange sow and the light purple cat that made her grow angrier by the minute. They were planning to tip the scale- her scale!

"You again!" She aimed her staff at the pair and sent a rippling current of dark magic toward them. It slammed both Munk and that cat to the wall, and Frieda grinned at her work.

Munk was dandruff in her by her scalp, an annoying foe that couldn't give her the name of the cat. The cat himself, however, kept her attention, even when they first met.

_A day or so ago..._

Frieda heard two freaks argue like a married couple. And from what she had gathered, Munk was a jerk. He acted bossy to the cat, when all the cat did was probably slip on something miniscule.

"Time for me to make an entrance," she whispered to herself, just before Munk asked one question, a very obnoxious question to the single mother/stepmother.

"Do you even realize what you could have done?"

"Yeah, yeah, baby!"

She grinned when the other guy stood up for himself. His voice sounded like a trinket to her ears: comical, pretty worthless, but still charming and musical. But then, the word "destiny" froze her.

"... Of every character in Fairytale Land. Blah, blah, blah, blah, but I DID IT!"

The couple shared an awkward silence, and they stared longingly at one another, each wishing he could peer into the other's mind.

"Hiya, boys!"

A tall, dirty blonde headed woman sauntered into the room, wearing a flowing mahogany dress with matching heels. CLICK CLICK CLICK

Frieda didn't expect the "boys" to be so short and not human. An astonished hog and a scrawny cat trembled when they saw her. Yet, she felt their mixed feelings embarrassment and wonder, relishing them, since she was used to such vulgar attention.

Each CLICK weakened both comical characters. Not only did she quicken their pulses because she was attractive and too thin to imagine, but she also had an air of greed the two wizard assistants learned to detect and detest.

The cat sneaked a sniff, looking similar to Prince Charming from downstairs. Unlike most princesses, who usually wore no perfume or some floral scent, she wore a peachy scent. It was definitely a light perfume but tantalizing enough.

"Owchie Mama!"

The feline stared quixotically at his best friend, surprised that the disciplined pig made an openly flirtatious exclamation about the strange woman. He had to admit though; she was beautiful.

Then, something didn't feel right. Her gaze perhaps was a bit too dominant, her steps too eager, or her stature too frightening. Either way, both knew who she was once she asked, "whatcha doing?"

"Frieda?!"

"Oh crap," the cat hissed to himself. She was that crabby yet sexy stepmother of Cinderella. He knew she was, well to put it kindly, a real hag for treating her own two daughters and Cinderella, especially Cinderella, horribly. But, Mombo couldn't help but have had the teensiest tiniest crush on Frieda. What other channel was on the sphere of Fairytale Land anyway?

"So this is where it all happens..." Frieda stopped in front of the assistants, continuing to look around the room. "And all this time, I thought it was fate!" She chuckled, believing they knew exactly what she was talking about; to her, they saw everybody and planned every celebration, including the Prince's ball.

Munk and the feline, however, thought their full cover was blown and she knew the truth; they saw everybody, and they were temporarily guarding the fate of everybody in Fairytale Land while their boss or "the wizard" was off on vacation. So, Munk did what he always does in stressful situations: freaked out.

"You can't be in here!" He stabbed the floor beneath him with the wizard's staff.

The feline joined Munk's side, staring wide-eyed at Frieda. "What is she doing here? I didn't order a stepmother."

"I'm the pizza guy, sweetheart. Recognize me?" She slyly caressed the ankle of her left foot with her right heel, and they both blushed fervently.

"I - I - Munk has something to tell you!" The poor cat's face was red as he pushed Munk closer to Frieda.

"Aw, kitten! Don't be mean!" She giggled when the feline started to twitch out of discomfort. "May I have the names of such handsome fellows?"

Munk shook his head at his best friend, willing for him to stay silent for his protection but risked his own when he gave his own name to the evil woman. "Munk, ma'am."

Freda winced when he called her "ma'am" but decided to keep making small talk for her prize; that staff in Munk's grip was definitely the source of power. "Well c'mon, baby! Show me those magic arts. C'mon, big boy..." Her tone grew less suave and saucier with impatience. "Teach me!"

"You know," the cat whispered to Munk. "I kinda go for these all-time, powerful, evil women."

"She thinks I'm the wizard," Munk replied gravely, clearing his throat. "Um, we don't do... Workshops." His friend earnestly shook his head with a sheepish smile at Frieda. "Maybe you could come back a... Another year...?" His friend, this time, nodded in agreement.

Frieda examined her nails, scarlet and shiny. "This operation is about to have a hostile takeover. *We can just call it a... Power play..."

She made a grab for the staff, only to swat air and have Munk aim it at her.

"Man, she's good!" Munk's friend would've added "and sexy" if he wasn't afraid of her and the unknown terror that could posses him, Munk, and all of Fairytale Land. Still, Munk glared daggers at him, and the feline whispered, "I mean bad..."

"Get out!" Munk would surely finish her off now. His friend hadn't seen him this angry since he caught the feline imitating their boss behind his back.

"Or I'll transform you into a toad!"

"You can zap?" The feline knew neither of them was personally taught how to handle the divine and dark magic of the wizard's staff, at least not yet. They were still considerably young to the wizard. Even though Munk was somewhat in charge, the wizard had major trust issues when it came to anybody else besides himself dealing with magic, hence why he trusted only Munk, a very cautious creature, with his staff, sphere, and scale during his very short vacation. So, it was *surprising for the feline to see Munk threaten a villain with magic so boldly.

"Just watch me!" For once, there'd be excitement tonight. His friend sensed a fight, even though he knew Munk wouldn't turn her into a toad. He clasped and rubbed his hands together with a mischievous grin on his face.

Frieda lowered her eyelids and delicately touched the tip of the glowing staff. "Baby, I think you're all yap, and no zap." A surge of magic trickled away and hit a lamp and then meshed into the wool of the violet- blue carpet Munk and his friend were standing on. Munk whimpered, and the carpet magically floated with both creatures and staff on top of it.

"Oh okay we're flying," the feline mused. "I guess when you say zapping, you mean flying."

"Shut up and drive!" Munk firmly held on to the staff as if he would die without it. "I'll activate the portal and alert the boss. He'll fix everything!" He steered the carpet to the portal, but all Frieda had to do was stretch out her hand, and the staff was in her grasp.

"Whoa... wwww..." Both carpet riders grew dizzy, and Munk was about to hurl. Then his friend cried urgently, "don't let her get the staff!"

Munk heard him and grabbed Frieda's wrists, but Frieda wrenched away in disgust, successfully grabbing the staff away from him. It hopped on its own, full of rich, excessive power.

Both hog and feline broke the mirror and were out into the night. "Oh no," Munk's friend cried.

Frieda stared curiously at the staff for a moment, then smirked evilly at the carpet riders far in the distant. "Well, Munk and... Handsome," she drawled, aiming the staff at them. "We'll see how smart you freaks are when I have my master takeover."

She burned their carpet and watched them fall pathetically. Suddenly, the who-knows-what's-his-name cat lifted his head up.

"Warn me next time you zap," he croaked.

"I will know the feline's name," Frieda swore to the staff before cackling wickedly.

_Now..._

"Cinder- Ella." The name felt disgusting in her mouth. Ella and Rick rose to face Frieda as she stepped closer to them and spun her staff around in circles.

"Kiss your little pumpkin goodbye!" Frieda pierced the floor; it cracked, sizzled, and popped. Flowing, neon green liquid oozed beneath the cracked planks. Ella yelped as the floor beneath them fell in pieces into the steamy liquid. She and Rick fell with the planks, but the dishwasher quickly grabbed the edge of a stable plank and with his other hand grabbed Ella's hand.

"I've got you, Ella!"

Frieda mouthed 'pest' and hovered over the pair. "You should've dated the dishwasher. He's so much better looking." She then proceeded to stab Rick's fingers with her staff, and he groaned in pain. Ella screamed his name in terror.

What Frieda didn't know was that the feline had shaken himself up from his stupor and noticed Frieda hovering over his new friends. Instincts took over reason, and he daringly dashed over to her and pushed her over the ledge. He would've fallen in with her if he wasn't caught by Ella.

The four friends took a silent breather until the cat mumbled, "did you see that? I did something... Heroic and..." He hopped back on solid ground then cried accusingly, "hey why didn't anyone stop me?"

He continued blabbering for a bit, while Munk shook his head to clear his thoughts and Ella and Rick shared gracious and shy looks.

Sickly green mist soon greeted them. "Uh," Munk began. "Guys? Does Frieda still have the staff?!"

Everybody else shared fearful looks, especially the assistant who pushed her in the pit. Suddenly, the Empress of Evil levitated out of the pit and directed her feral gaze at the cat.

"Sweetheart," she crooned mockingly. "The only hero in this fight is Ella's servant boy. And if you dare try to interfere, I'll destroy you and then I'll destroy who you care about the most!" She imprisoned all four pairs of legs and feet in solid stone and cried, "Rumple!"

The hunched green man cradled the baby he stole as he approached his mistress.

"Yes?"

"Cue music."

"Song request?"

Frieda sneered at him, and he got the message. "Right! _The_ song! Oh, jolly good fun! He'll love it, your empress er... Evilness!"

"RUMPLE!"

"Right!" He dashed downstairs and returned with a CD and a magenta radio.

"I still need a name, kitty." Frieda cupped the feline's chin, and he was incapable of speaking for a full minute. Strangely enough, Frieda waited patiently for his voice to return to him.

"Mombo..."

Frieda released him, turned from the four prisoners, and smiled sweetly to herself. Mombo... It was a beautiful dance, and she felt swept away, and she barely knew the guy.

"Time for a news flash and intro..." Frieda nodded to Rumplestilskin, and he inserted the CD into the radio and adjusted the volume until it was loud enough for the prisoners downstairs to hear.

The instrumental song blared for a few seconds. Then, Frieda picked up on her cue and started dancing.

_-"I like your smile and the way you talk. I like your style and the way you walk. I love your eyes and your lips. They hypnotize with your hips. I love your cheeks and your sexy legs, your two feet, and your nasty back. I love your tongue, love your bum bum, your pointy nose, and even your mom!"-_

She showed him a picture she attained of the Wizard sipping soda on a cruise, and Mombo looked very dumbfounded. Meanwhile, Munk and Cinderella frowned disapprovingly, and it took every fiber in Rick's being not to laugh at the idea of Frieda dating Mombo of all creatures.

_-"I love everything about you, boy. But don't you understand? I love you from head to toe, boy, but I hate your boyfriend!"_

Frieda pointed at Munk, who started yelling, "what?!"

_-"I love everything about you, boy. But don't you understand? I love you from head to toe, boy, but I hate your boyfriend!"_

"We're not dating-" Mombo blushed as she interrupted him with a passionate kiss on the nose, then grinned fondly at her.

Munk stared at both of them with a sour frown. 'Am I really that protective of my best friend', he wondered to himself. 'Is that why she think we're together? Am I really-'

Munk saw the violet lodestars in Mombo.'s eyes, all for the villainess and not for him. Perhaps if he would stop looking at Frieda that way, maybe he would not feel so grossed out and angry.

_"I hate your boyfriend,_" Frieda finished. Thereupon she cued Rumple to stop the song. He did, but then he shivered.

"Your evilness, the girl has escaped!"

To be continued...


End file.
